Guido Problems: How to Deal with Complainers

I think we can agree with Katie: conversations with serious talkers can be THE worst.  One particularly frustrating brand of serious talker is the classic “complainer.”  This person’s idea of a gripping conversation involves giving you an exhaustive laundry list of recent traffic jams they’ve encountered, observational comments on poor weather, and numerous other bland misfortunes that pop up throughout their days.

If you enjoy listening to this kind of verbal torture, then more power to you—you must have either the patience of a saint, or the hearing abilities of Helen Keller.  If not however, here are my top three go-to responses reserved for complainiacs.

Guido Problems

Ever have to listen to someone rant on and on about how they couldn’t find their car keys one morning?  These little rant sessions can seem to last forever when you’re on the receiving end.  While it would be nice to bellow “WHO CARES?” in response, society sadly deems this not socially acceptable.  An effective alternative I’ve recently begun to employ is to respond with a cryptic yet sympathetic “guido problems!”  Unless you are talking to an actual guido, this phrase won’t really suit the situation perfectly.  But it will probably cause the complainer to cock their head in confusion long enough for you to make an escape even more glorious than Andy Dufresne’s.

 

Womp Womp Womp

One type of complainer that is especially difficult to deal with is the “Debbie Downer.”  This person will complain at length to anyone who will listen, and if you make the fatal mistake of attempting to turn their frown upside down with a “look on the bright side” approach, they will undoubtedly counteract your positive point with a negative one.  Let me warn you now: there is no reasoning with Debbie—your optimism is futile.  Instead, try responding with a well-placed “Womp, womp, womppp!”  No, it’s not exactly a sympathetic response, but sometimes Debbie needs to be called out for her wompish ways.  Bonus points if you can play the trombone, as it really adds authenticity to a womp.

Well if You Think That’s Bad!

Perhaps the most effective way to defeat the complainer is to beat them at their own game.  It works like this: the complainer shares a banal story of misfortune with you.  You respond with, “Well if you think that’s bad…” then follow up with a fictional account of an extreme story of personal misfortune.  If you’re comfortable, dig deep in that imagination of yours and come up with a doozy all your own.  If not, movie plots work great as well!  See example below:

                Complainer: Oh man, I couldn’t decide between the chicken or the steak at the restaurant I went to last night.  I hemmed and hawed before deciding on the steak.  What a mistake—the worst steak I ever had!

                You: Well if you think that’s bad, you should hear about a similar tough decision I was recently faced with! So I was on this huge boat the other day, and found myself engaged to a wealthy man I didn’t love, when I met a handsome, penniless artist who looked a lot like Leonardo DiCaprio.  I had so much trouble choosing between them, but finally chose Leo.  Then the ship sank, and my new paramour died of frostbite.  It was dreadful!  But you know, sounds like you had a pretty rough night with the steak, wanna keep talking about that instead?

Boom!  Complaint: neutralized, and you can kiss Debbie Downer goodbye!