Hemorrhaging Hemorrhoids

     I think we can agree that it is hilarious when the deacon misreads hemorrhages for hemorrhoids.  I think we can also agree that parishioners should laugh or at least quietly chuckle when this event occurs. 

     There are few things, if any, funny in church.  Therefore, when a moment like this strikes, we need to pounce on it.  As reverently as possible of course.

It Can Always Be Worse

     I think we can agree that it can always be worse.  No matter what the situation and no matter how awful the situation may be, there is always another situation which is way worse.  So keep that in mind.  And, be thankful.
     You have heard this phrase before I am certain.  You share an annoyance or aggravation with someone.  Perhaps it is even a bit more serious.  Losing a limb say.  You explain the malady to this certain someone and you are told, "Well be thankful that's all it is.  It could be worse.  There are some people that don't have any arms at all.  Or legs.  Or a head.  Thank God it was only your left arm that was severed when you were working with that chain saw."
     In your heart, you are grateful that it was only your left arm that was hacked off.  For you are a righty anyway.  But somehow, being told to be thankful for this disaster just doesn't sit well with you.  In fact, being the recipient of these instructions, you are now quite peeved.  (I myself would be infuriated and enraged with these instructions, but you my friend are better than I and have much more composure, so your frustration caps at peeved.)
     How does one react after hearing this phrase, "It could be worse?"  What is the proper reply?  In civil society, it is unacceptable to punch someone's lights out.  Even though you still have your strong, right arm.  Spitting at someone is also reprehensible.  So, what then is a suitable response to such a phrase?
     The only way to adequately combat the phrase, "It could be worse" is to realize that the fool delivering the message means well.  They are sorry that you came upon such a fall, but they are truly at a loss for something to say.  Hence, they erupt with the joyful word that there is in fact another person, somewhere out there, suffering way more than you.  So if you think you have it bad, think again.
     After realizing this person's ultimate good intent, we can choose to just nod and feign a look of understanding, we can continue to stew or we can explode with outrage.  Another option is to add to this person's list of "It could be worse."  Maybe you can say something like,"You know you are right.  I am really lucky to walk away from that accident with my right arm intact.  I so wish that my left arm was still attached and I never had to endure such horrific and agonizing pain, but my left arm looks really nice hanging over the fire place.  I am so glad I had it encased.  And, it really could have been both of my legs that were cut off with the chain saw as well.  Man, I could have even chopped you up whole.  Who knows!?!?  It really could be worse."
     Good luck in your encounters my friends.  I can only hope and wish for the utmost in safety for us all.  I will now end my passage and/or gripe session with my right hand and nose acting as my left hand.  God bless.
     

Getting Up At Night To Go To The Bathroom

         I think we can agree that getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom is a curse.  One may be comfortable in their bed.  They are cozy and warm in their clean clothes and prepared for a wonderful night of sleep.  BUT WAIT.  That urge to go to the bathroom quickly emerges.  I know what you may be thinking.  It is not your fault.  It is the giant soda/Slurpee's fault.  You should have had it earlier.  Now, you are being punished.  Sometimes, I am too lazy to get up.  I just hold it.  That's what happened last night.  Now, today I woke up with a terrible stomach ache.  That was the old me.  The 12 hour ago me.  I am wiser now.  I haven't had drink for 3 hours now.  I am prepared for sleep now. 

                                       This is a picture of me last night as I went to sleep

                                                      This is a picture of me this morning

              This is a picture of me tonight.  As you can see, I don't have to go to the bathroom.

        Yes, I am pretty prepared.  No more stubbing my toe on the way to the bathroom in the dark.  No more scaring my siblings as I sleepwalk to the bathroom.  I will miss the sleep-eating though.

 

 

NHL 2001

       I think we can agree that NHL 2001 holds the position of best video game ever made.  With the horrifying graphics and the most unrealistic goals, NHL 2001 continues to amuse all, even 13 years later. 
        As in all of the NHL video games, a fighting feature has been incorporated.  When two players disagree over who hit whom or what happened in the previous play, the two hockey athletes begin to thoughtlessly whale on each other until the other guy hits the floor.  The winner of the fight just stands there.  Literally.    

                                                    NOT AN ACTUAL NHL 2001 FIGHT

       Along with the unrealistic fighting comes a supernatural speed.  One Player has the ability to use a speed boost.  Yes, at first this sounds pretty normal.  The player can go fast for a minute or two.  No.  This means a player can move around like the little kid from the Incredibles for an unlimited amount of time.  This basically means that you cannot comprehend what is occurring on your television screen without complete focus. 

                                              ALSO NOT ACTUAL NHL 2001 PLAYER

       You may start to think now about how this game holds such a high reputation with all these "flaws".  You see, these "flaws" are not actually flaws.  These characteristics set apart NHL 2001 from NHL 2014.  Sports video games nowadays attempt to enhance the graphics as much as possible and basically make the game as real as possible.  I think I can stand for the whole human race when I say, "YAWN!!!!".  These characteristics make the game awesome.  Finally, one holds the opportunity to score ridiculous goals and skate at ridiculous speeds that EA sports is trying to demolish.  For example, in 2001, the fighting in the NHL video games was 3rd person.  Yes, this looked absolutely ridiculous and exciting.  In the new games, the fighting is 1st person.  This is to make everything more realistic.  EA sports wants all their players to have a feel for what being on the ice is really like.  I DON'T GIVE HALF A NUMBER TWO PENCIL ABOUT WHAT BEING ON THE ICE IS REALLY LIKE.  ALL I WANT TO DO IS TRAVEL AT IMPOSSIBLE SPEEDS AND KNOCK OPPOSING PLAYERS DOWN FOR MY ENJOYMENT.
                                         THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT NEW NHL GAMES
     

 

 

ALSO HOW I FEEL ABOUT NEW NHL GAMES

 

 

 

 

This is what I want to do to new NHL games

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading guys!  Happy Saint Paddy's Week!

 

 

 

Guess What... Chicken Butt

     I think we can agree... there is a deep awful that lies in the voices of those who squawk rather than sing. Some people know they don't have great voices, and they usually spare our ears the displeasure of their sour sounds until birthdays and holidays where they're drowned out by other horrendous honks. And what's better than the zoo-ish racket of a solid family gathering? Well your answer may be different, but I'd say absolutely nothing.
     The problem is when a gaggle of squawkers (made worse when elderly) get together and chirp a once giddy ditty into a now grim hymn. It's not unlike walking into a chicken coop and smashing a few pots and pans together. Chickeny madness. And not even the good kind.

 

     I'm talking warble central. Warble galore. Making sounds so assaulting, they might even be called Warbling Warriors. And if you still don't know what I'm talking about, just think of the last time you saw this video.

 

Click here to view video

     So now that we have that all settled, it's time for the real story. My family has been noticing the chickeny nature of such groups for a while now. Jokes of calling Perdue or grabbing the feed bag to quiet their hunger cries are just natural by now. However, the best comment by far came from my paps when we were seated directly behind the hens. It was a quiet affair and we were encouraged to keep as quiet as possible out or respect. The choir got up every once in a while to sing a tune and then sat back down. Towards the middle of the ceremony, they stood up to perform another number. My dad turned to us and said, "Guess what?" He then went back to facing forward where we were confronted with an overwhelming display of... you guessed it... Chicken Butt.

Erin Go Bragh, Not Erin Go Bra-less

     I think we Irishmen can agree... St. Paddy's Day is one of the greatest holidays of the year. It's usually a blast no matter where you are and who you're with. This year I was fortunate enough to be with exactly the right people for this wonderful celebration. The dance moves coming out of these people were unmatched by even the pros. So here's a list of my top 5 St. Patty's day dance moves.

There were the moms and dads doing the Parent Shuffle.

There was some of the classic Sweatin' With St. Patrick.

A bit of what I like to call Fowl Nonsense.

The Look Ma, No Hands aka the Look Gurl No Drank

And towards the end of the night most everybody did the Sloth Samba.

     BUT!! The greatest part of the night was not the dancing. It was the performance. And not the scheduled performance either. We were expecting the drunken folk songs (although they weren't Irish which was a little disappointing). We were also looking forward to the step dancers. But even better than all of that was the Inebriated Idiot Display.

     She was one of those people who show up to to a party and announce how drunk they will be, are getting, and will continue to be throughout the night. The type that, for the sake of the rest of us, should always leave the house with a muzzle like Bane. She came in with her saggy chested stump of a body covered in far to little clothes for anyone's liking. Then the drinking began. She scarfed down beer after beer, and when she was loose enough she took some mystery drug. We don't know what she was on, but she must have been on something. I say that because she then proceeded to run up on stage, rip her shirt off, and light her chest on fire.

1) Honey, sweety, gurl... NO ONE wants to see that.

2) You're TOO DAMN OLD for that crap.

     So we thought that was bad enough. But as the bouncers were kicking her out, she slopped herself down into a booth where she lost control and pooped on everything. She pooped the seat. She pooped her dress. She pooped the floor. She pooped the wall. As Harry might say in the beginning of the Sorcerer's Stone, she pooped the lot. But Gryffindor did not win. She was kicked out of the joint, and that big gurly ain't neva comin' back. Whoever cleaned that mess up must not have been very happy, but the rest of us were quite pleased with the story we took away from it. A great night overall.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

What Would YOU Do in the Name of Charity?

     I think we can agree that charities are great if they support good causes, but how they get their funding may be another story. Once a normal boy, Chris would walk happily to school and back with a smile on his face and skip in his step. However, he started developing a grave disorder called dis-clothes-ia (also known as nakeditis) when he began attending classes at the Cooper Union. It was hard for us to see him being stripped of everything as the disease took over.

     It started with his shirt. He said it was too hot out. He said it was too wet out. He said anything we would believe to take that shirt off. That's when he met a group (not naming any names) at his school who used that to take advantage of him. They saw how uncomfortable he was sitting in class fully clothed for so long, so they asked if he might help them with their charity auction. He agreed, but he had no idea what he was getting himself into.

     The first auction went well, but as the bids got higher, the itch to be shirtless also rose. With the spotlight shining directly on him and him alone, sweat started beading on his forehead. He said, "It was like a million feathers were being rubbed all over my nose. But I didn't have to sneeze. I had to strip." And then he did. The shirt came off and the bids got higher. It was all going towards a donation to Habitat for Humanity, so how could it be a bad thing?

     The next year he was asked again to be a part of the charity auction, and he accepted immediately. He knew that he might be tempted again, but there's nothing wrong with giving the disease for charity, right? Well, you decide. There he was again. Spotlight on him and a room full of screaming bidders. This time he was much quicker in removing his shirt. He barely got halfway through the bidding process and he was already half naked. But then a new urge came... the pants. It came on slow at first, but grew like wildfire. The bids started slowing and he fought impossibly hard to suppress the feeling, but he just couldn't make it. He ripped those pants off with the strength of a second degree black. Again, a rush of bids ensued and he was clapped off the stage. But not without a bit of social media fame from this clip.

 

     Disclothesia can also bring about other strange behaviors involving garb. In Chris's case he also developed "peer-shear" where he would try to force others to remove garments. "Peer-shear" got its name from an old Swedish shepherd who felt the action of stripping others strongly resembled the techniques he used to shear his sheep. Luckily, Chris only exhibited "peer-shear" during the summer when most people were usually prepared for pools or the beach.