When in Rome: How to escape a lame conversation

     I think we can agree, conversations with serious-talkers can get a little boring. Luckily, there is a way out. When you find yourself sinking deep into the quick sand of an all too serious gab-sesh, just toss in a bit of nonsense and you'll be golden. For example, if you're not into football and get, "How 'bout those Giants?" thrown your way, answer with, "Me too." They'll be wondering what that means long enough for you to sneak away to another, much more interesting couch.

     I learned my conversational boundaries of interest when I got carried away in a muffiny fury. In response to my comment, "There's nothing quite like Stony Brook's school bus yellow corn muffins," my friend unhitched that train with, "Well, when in Rome." I was baffled. Struck by the blade that I crafted myself. Unthinkable! But also great to see it catching on. Either way, I am about three away from tasting every muffin on campus, so the muffin talk will not cease. This muffin man will not be stopped!

     Another choice little ditty to drop in while trying to drop out is, "Boy, do I." Many people underestimate its destructive potential, but a well placed "Boy, do I" can work wonders. First of all, it barely fits in a conversation even when it is used as a legitimate response. No one says that anymore. But when you launch that bad boy in where it doesn't belong, you not only saved yourself but probably the next two or three people who may have seen a similar fate.

"Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?"

(Every high school teacher showed that movie before winter break. I probably saw it about three times a year. Yes, I've seen it. A million times.)

"Boy, do I."

Bam, and the thought process is gone!

"What's the name of that kid that always counted cards in Egyptian Rat-screw?"

(You mean Mike? I love Mike! And that's a totally legitimate way to play. I dabbled in counting every once in a while. We're not getting into this.)

"Boy, do I."

You may have just sprouted wings cause you're free as a bird.

Happy Merry?

     I think we can agree that political correctness is about the biggest heap of dog doody ever invented. But in the spirit of the holidays (which I dare not mention by name, God forbid someone feel left out), I will try my best to stay PC. Oh no, I said God! Oh God, I said it again! AHHH!

     But seriously, what is "Happy Merry?" It means absolutely nothing. Have a happy (not gonna say Hanukkah), a merry (Christmas is out of the question), and a happy new year! Oh wait, but Chinese New Year isn't the same as what we call the New Year. Okay, so let's get rid of that too. LAME.

     We need to get rid of this bullwaffle, or eventually we won't even be allowed to name our children traditional names because that obviously shows a preference for one nationality over all others. What's that? Iceland already had a problem with names? Let's just enjoy this gem of an article.

Teen Fights For Right To Her Name

     On the real, Iceland, you have a Naming Commitee? I mean we do occasionally have the name Apple, Blue Ivy, or Princess, but hey. I'd rather have that than see a million more Katies on this earth. The classic white girl name is already a hassle in lecture halls when there are least 20 of us. More? No, thank you.

     But I digress. Why can't we just say Happy Hanukkah AND Merry Christmas?

The Most Quality of Thoughts

     I think we can agree that the most obvious conclusions to all problems come from two places. A warm shower and sleep purgatory (you know, that happy, fluffy sort of feeling right before you drift away). Well I also find that a good long car ride provides the necessary calm to produce some beautiful ideas, but there's always that chance that your daydream could land you in the back bumper of an extremely unhappy camper.

     I tried once or twice to see whether the shower could be used for enlightenment without actually taking a shower... But that just wound up looking a lot like this:

     There was equally as much going on in my head as there is in this picture. Absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, the warm water seems to be rather key.

     The fun thing about sleep purgatory is that you can find you way there even if you're only taking a nap. You got yourself a bed, a pillow, a couch, or a combo of any of those and you're on your way to solving world hunger! There's only one thing that can stop you. If you have too much on your mind, you'll never reach that sweet pre-doze calm. Now that's a real predicament. Because now you're thinking too much about relaxing, you're stressing about unstressing... Now you can't sleep and you'll never figure out why your foot always makes that squeaking sound whenever you curl your toes. No? No one else has that problem? Alright, well you still get what I mean.

     Now imagine if we could combine them. First, I can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind to try to put a shower in my car. My brother had a chest of drawers in his van for a year, and hey why not? But the shower... Well the commuter student life has already left my car looking like this, and I don't really need it moist:

     However, if we could achieve partial slumber in the shower, we might have cold fusion powering the globe in days or even minutes! The only problem is the possible drowner or two, but everything comes with a price.

     There's a joke about wet dreams in there... but let's not be piggish. We are, after all, on a quest for wisdom.